Some Rants and Rambles

Awkwardness can consume you. Sometimes you can create awkward situations sometimes they create themselves. Friendships can be shaken. I feel in my life right now as if it's me against the world. I don't know if I can continue in a friendship due to the awkwardness and I have no understanding of how the other person feels. My situation isn't just awkward I'm also creating the awkwardness. I am avoiding the person and the situation all together and making it really obviously uncomfortable for the both of us. To make these feelings go away though I have to confront the situation head on,  but that's really difficult because the situation doesn't always turn out the way we want it to. Sometimes all you can do is take the plunge.

 Rumors hurt. They start with someone uttering a simple sentence of false accusations. Then they spread like wildfire throughout a social group. Suddenly everyone has a vague idea of an already vague topic that concerned  you. Do you they believe it? After all of your friends has hurt this rumor do they still want to be associated with you? Are you outcasted?  No one truly understands the real situation they assume they know because of the utterance of someone else. They don't bother to ask you if it is true or not. They don't care. No one will truly understand what that backlash is like. Everywhere you go now people will stare at you and then they will stare at each other silently sharing a look to confirm whether or not you are the person at the butt of the rumor; then they'll whisper as you pass and talk about the predicament that you are in. Now because of a simple sentence you are forever known for something that is 99% of the time false. So the next time there is an impression of a rumor going around take it with a grain of salt because the person who that rumor concerns is probably feeling crappy and doesn't need anything else on their plates. You shouldn't add to that because next time that could be you.

People who have really closed minds infuriate me. To question or judge someone for their life choices or for doing something that makes them happy really makes me angry. Who is that person to criticize someone else for their life choices? Slut shamming, body shamming, gender shamming, relationship shamming, religion shamming all of these things shouldn't have to be a thing! No one should have to experience any of these things but because of the small mindedness of the world people experience these things on a daily basis. Some of these people that are getting harassed don't even know the individual who is harassing them. They know nothing about that person or what they're going through. Shamming someone for wanted to express their sexuality is wrong, shamming someone for being society's standard of over weight is wrong, shamming someone for wanting to date the same gender and to change genders is wrong, to shame someone for the religion they practice is wrong. It's sickening to watch it happen and to still see it expressed through the youth today. Instead of going back to when we had to fight for equality for everyone, even though that battle is far from over, we should start acting like everyone is some form of equal. No one is better than anyone else no matter what. We all entered this Earth the same way and we'll all end up in a hole someday too so what we do in between is no one else's business but our own and we should all respect that.

 Let's take a minute to breathe and process what has just been typed/ read. I apologize for the intensity of my rambles but these were some of the thoughts that I had to get off of my chest, and I appreciate you bearing with me.

Be positive, patient, and persistent!-Lauren

The Calm Before The Storm

Rain makes me so excited. The way the sky changes its colors and contrasts. How you can watch the clouds move as the Earth rotates. It's so beautiful. The split in the sky of changing from light to dark fills my stomach with butterflies. The cooling in the air when the wind picks up. The sounds of the rustling trees as the wind sways the inhabitants of Earth side to side. The loud crack of lightning and the roar of thunder when it shakes the house is so amazing. The colors that illuminate the sky. The purples, pinks, reds, and blues. The sounds of the drops of rain pouring down from the sky. Everything about rain and rain storms excite me, and that will never changes.

Be positive, patient, and persistent!- Lauren

A Story

Butterflies erupt in my stomach, my mouth is dry, my palms are sweaty, my breathing is erratic. She is standing right down the hall. I want to tell her what really is going on. I want her to know why he's acting differently, but I don't want to lose a friend. I turn away and try my best to make it down the hall before she spots me. I'm too late. She's spotted me and is yelling my name. Her blonde hair bouncy as ever. I turn and wait for her plastering on a smile so she won't see how uncomfortable I am. She's upset with me. She thinks I've been avoiding her. I have. She starts engaging in small talk. Then she addresses the elephant in the room. She wants to know why I think her boyfriend has been acting so strange these last few days. I know why, but I don't want to tell her. If I do I might lose a friend and hurt another. I panic and stutter and finally just give up and say "I don't know". Maybe he's just having an off day. She can see right through that. We've been friends for ten years. She knows when I'm not telling the truth. She begs and pleads for me to tell her. So I do. He's been cheating on her for months now. She slaps me and yells at me about how she doesn't believe me. Then she runs away and she runs out of my life. That day I not only lost two friends, but I also hurt one of my best friends. They have been together for two years now. Whenever they see me all they do is glare. I guess high school does that to you. 

Be positive, patient, and persistent!-Lauren

The Plague

Sickness has taken over! I know I don't post much as it is, but I am now sick. Through this experience of being sick I now know what I've been taking for granted. I really miss being able to breathe normally and to not sneeze every five minutes. *sniffle* I miss being able to talk or swallow without pain. I miss my body not being in pain all of the time. I miss being able to stay awake for more than ten minutes. So my life since the beginning of the plague has been a butt load of tea, chloraseptics, tissues, and Netflix.

I hope all of you are doing well and HAPPY OCTOBER!!! 

I hope I'll feel better soon, and sorry for lack of posts.

Be positive, patient, and persistent!- Lauren

Get to know me.

25 Facts about me

1. My name is Lauren.

2. I was born on August 27.

3. I was born in Pennsylvania.

4.I have one older brother.

5. I am 5'0 on a good day.

6.I am extremely shy. 

7. I have a very perverted sense of humor.

8.I am obsessed with Lord of The Rings.

9. I am terrified of escalators. 

10. My parents got divorced when I was 7.

11. I have three best friends: Matt, Tim, and Kyshaun.

12. I like getting an education and being smart. 

13. I have no idea what I want to do forever. 

14. I played softball and swam competitively for six years. 

15. I am a lesbian.

16. I have an amazing imagination that can give me a little trouble sometimes.

17. I absolutely love Disney.

18. I've never been on a date, been asked out, or kissed. None of it.

19. I like being really girlie , but I won't admit it. 

20. I am afraid of trusting people.

21. I really don't enjoy wearing pants. 

22. Fall is my favorite season.

23. I still believe in Santa. 

24. I don't think I'm good at anything.

25. I want to travel.

Be positive, patient, and persistent!-Lauren

Self Acceptance

The thought of being perceived  as attractive is terrifying. I have so many flaws. I have too many zits. I'm not skinny enough. I have weird hair. I have crooked teeth. I have a weird sense of style. I am too short. Through out these thoughts though I have learned to be grateful for my flaws for my flaws because they are what make me unique. My flaws have taught me self acceptance.



If pants fit me I am skinny enough. If I brush all of teeth everyday then they are fine. If I still have enough hair to brush into place then my hair is just fine. If I can stand up, hold my head up, and look my friends in the eye then I am tall enough. If I have clothes that I am comfortable wearing then who cares?

I don't fit the perfect ideal, but then again there isn't' one. We have just created this idea of perfect in our heads. The media and society have shoved this idea of perfect down our throats. They have created the perfect height, weight, skin color, hair color, and eye color. They want everyone to look like robots because they think it will change everything we feel about ourselves and the flaws we have, but no matter how perfect we look on  the outside we will always have insecurities. There is no right and wrong way to dress or act. There are just different ways of expressing yourself.

 

The thought of being perceived as beautiful or someone's definition is still terrifying to me no matter how much I accept myself. The thought that someone in the future will think the sun shines out of my ass is scary. The thought that they may want to wake up to my face everyday and think they are so lucky to have me is a weird thought to have. It's a lot to swallow, but I'm learning to accept it and to accept myself. No matter what I have to accept myself . No matter what I do I can't change my flaws and that's okay. We all are just a bag of bones. We're just trying to get from point A to point B in life. 

Embraces your flaws and honing them into working for you is the best possible thing you can do. It doesn't matter how you look or act. Besides if there isn't anything going on inside your brain it doesn't matter how good you look. Your mind is your most attractive feature. Your mind allows you to hold knowledge, have an imagination, have opinions, and have thoughts. That is the most attractive thing about you. 

 

Be positive, patient, and persistent!- Lauren

Admire

    

It's been a while and I apologize for that! School has been a bit crazy. Since going back to school I have been taking some harder classes and discovering new things about the people around me and myself. Most of these come from just talking to people. Listening to what people have to say and how meaningful and deep some of it can be is absolutely amazing. 

I admire people so much for being able to pull these amazingly deep or creative thoughts out of their minds. I wish I could do that. 

 

I understand my intelligence level and what I am capable of bringing to a conversation. I wish that I could have some of the life shattering or amazing wow thought moments. Sometimes I do have these thoughts though it is very few and far between, and I usually have to sit for a good while trying to think about it. 

 

I am amazed at the way some people come up with these thoughts and ideas especially at the certain ages I have seen it happen. Yes it has been some of my friends, but there have also been children just shattering stereotypical thoughts and breaking barriers. I admire it so much that I hope one day I am able to have these thoughts just whirl into my brain and I am able to say it. 

 Maybe it all matters on your perception of certain topics. Maybe It will just happen with age. 

Who knows?

Be positive, patient, and persistent!- Lauren

Sigh of Relief

Fall is here! I'm so excited! Fall is my favorite season. I love the new chill of that comes in after the heat of summer. I love watching the leaves change as they get ready to fall to the ground. I love the smell of the burning scented candles. 

I love going to the pumpkin patch. Being able to go and pick pumpkins and drink apple cider. I love watching kids get excited for Halloween. To be able to see more and more houses decorated for Halloween as I walk home from school is the most exciting feeling.

The most exciting thing about Autumn for me the most is walking home at the peak time of sunset. To watch the orange sun set through the changing trees is my most favorite part of fall. It's what made me fall in love with it. Just sitting out in the chill of the setting sun, wrapped in blankets drinking tea will always be my favorite part of fall.




I hope you have an amazing Autumn.

 

Be positive, patient, and persistent!- Lauren 

Some Early morning Thoughts

Relapse sucks. You get back into the swing of your old habits, and you get comfortable again. After being clean of you habit, to pick it back up sucks. You never know if you'll ever be able to get rid of it. You beat yourself up about it. Cry and ask yourself why? Unfortunately you don't have the answer. You become so attached to your delusions that it's Like a second skin. You become so comfortable in the fantasy, in the game of how creative you can make your brain seem that day in that moment. That it almost seems impossible to get rid of it. You start to cut contact with people that care about you. That's what scares you. You're afraid of getting too attached to people. You're afraid of them leaving. What you will do without them if they we're to leave, but the friends you've made along the way in your imagination won't. They can't leave unless you want them to, they won't get mad at you unless you want them to, unless you want them to. You only know to exist unless you're wanted. Well real live human beings want you. They love and care about you, but you want your alternate reality. Your alternate reality doesn't want you. They can't you created it. To get rid of your alternate reality is your choice. For the love of god chose real. Chose real. You are worth a real friendship. You are worth more to have real friends and real experiences. 

You just want the positive acknowledgement of knowing you did good an are wanted, but you also are afraid of getting too attached to people. You can get better. You will get better all you have to fo is stay focused. 

You have to stay focused on what you want out of yourself. What you really want to happen. You have to push your comfort zone to see just how far you are willing to go to get better. Become uncomfortable! You need to push barriers to discover who you really are without this alternate reality. Who you really are. You just have to try something new to really see that. 

Be Positive, Patient, And Persistent!-Lauren

The Future

   

Hello! This post is about the future and how it scares the crap out of me!I wish there was a book about my future so I wouldn't have to make all of these important decisions blindly. I wish there was some physical evidence of how these decisions will affect my life. Specifically schooling. My school life was decided for me when I was born. I would go to great schools with great programs and my life would be dandy. That is my life. Go to school, get good grades, take the SAT's, go to college, make something of yourself.  

Although I'm sure those are all great plans for me I'm not so sure what they may mean for the rest of my life. Through the people in my life I have seen two very different sides of a coin. My mother best role model in my life only went to high school. No college education what so ever. She now has an amazing job that provides greatly for us. She is doing this with no college education, but my brother a very intelligent college grad is struggling greatly with almost nothing to show for his education. 

My brother is a genius in my eyes. National Honor Society Vice President, straight A's, when to an amazing college. He is now in debt up to his eyeballs. Even when he was in college he was in debt. He struggled to eat everyday sometimes couldn't even pay for text books for his own education. Now as a college graduate with an awesome degree has to work at Shoprite because he can't find a job even with a college degree, so he has to settle for less then minimum wage.  

 

 

Now that I've seen my two side of the coin what the hell do I do? I don't like leaving that much money and my own happiness to chance. My future could go those two ways that it did for my mom and brother; or it could go in my favor. Sure I have colleges picked out and SAT dates set, but I don't want to leave something so important up to chance. What then? What if? Who know?

Be positive, patient, and persistent!-Lauren

New blog some what deep post.

Imaginations can be seriously tricky things, but also helpful and amazing. They can help create genius or really wreck you.  Most imaginations help create others can control. You can go from creating and giving up an alternate universe to that little craving to always run back to it. Do you give in? 

It's a difficult decision. If you decide to give in it could seem odd and you stop right away. There is however a large chance you could get sucked back into your old habits. If you do do you let it control you? Do you?  There is always an easy way to step if you do let it control you. Put some music on, write a story, read, or spend time with friends and family. Find something productive!

Giving up on letting something in your imagination control you is just like breaking any other addiction. It's going to be hard and take a long time and steady self control, but it's possible if you're willing. Relapse happens. That itch, that craving will come back. It's up to you to not give in. Don't let it become you. Rediscover yourself. Rediscover things you like. Finding yourself without your addiction and that control that you didn't have over yourself can build your self confidence, and who knows maybe you might like the you without the addiction. The real you.

Be positive, patient, and persistent! -Lauren